el architino
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The great EL ARCHITINO would like to express his abhorrence at mister foster’s decision to spread his grubby money-soiled fingers across the Irish sea.
EL ARCHITINO’s highly developed and cultivated sense of xenophobia has been accosted by the proposition of someone who, not only has not lived on the site for several years, but has never even set foot in this country, designing these projects in Dublin.
mister foster should stick to what he does best, that is to accrue titles from the royal family and place transportation machines in open fields. His buttered oafish hands have not the delicacy of movement and lightness of touch befitting these sensitive sites. Only EL ARCHITINO could understand the cultural nuances and spiritual significance of this U2 site and that of the Clarence Hotel having slept on the prior by day and urinated in the later by night for the past 16months.
As no one else is brave enough to ward off this insensitive behemoth from across the water let EL ARCHITINO be the one who shall accept the challenge. mister foster I will meet you at the giants causeway, a site littered with the detritus of architectural war………
EL ARCHITINO was asleep on a bench in this park for the last 2 years until he was rudely awoken by builders laying cheap imported chinese paving slabs, only to find this monstrosity almost complete. needless to say EL ARCHITINO instantly called several of his advisors and had the offending builders concreted under said paving slabs.
EL ARCHITINO’s name must not be spoken.
for the past nine months EL ARCHITINO has been living under the soil on the site of his next project. EL ARCHITINO feels that this is the only way to truly judge whether to accept the clients request for an EL ARCHITINO masterpiece. it is also the reason why EL ARCHITINO charges £115m stg to consider a scheme.
EL ARCHITINO’S pensive restraint has been the most productive aspect of irish architecture over the past 18 months
EL ARCHITINO would like to let it be known that the above picture has infact been doctored in some manner.
As everyone knows, the Dublin branch of EL ARCHITINO land is infact located in the private basement level of Patrick Guilbauds resturaunt merrion street, and not in some dingey 1960’s construction next to ‘the bag store’ on O’Connell st.
EL ARCHITINO is taking legal advice about the procedures to follow against this sw101 charecter, but be assured they shall be harsh. One can only assume that this attack on the countries most beloved architectural father was motivated by jealousy. or perhaps it is a disgruntled ex-employee who was fired through EL ARCHITINO’s office policy of weekly random firings.
This would explain the cowardly act of hiding behind a pseudoname, at least have the courage of displaying your real name as EL ARCHITINO doesthe main benefit to a meagre builder, of working for EL ARCHITINO is the immense prestige of working with a living demigod.
a downside of this arrangement is however, certain bankrupcey and possible death.never one to shy from away from a challenge EL ARCHITINO has returned from his vacation in the west bank full of vigour and zest.
EL ARCHITINO is acutely aware of the complex issues relating to public spaces that could prove taxing for architects endowed with a lower intelligence quotient than himself.
the issue of eyre square and its need for a relevant design solution has weighed heavy on EL ARCHITINO’s mind for nigh on ten minutes now. some may ask “to rail or not to rail?” that is a pathetic question.
the social and physical landscape of eyre sq is farmiliar to EL ARCHITINO, having glimpsed it whilst lying on his back in his stretched hummer filled to an uncomfotable level with hookers, as it drove along it’s south end en route to EL ARCHITINO’s conemara retreat.EL ARCHITINOs scheme aknowledges the true place of eyre square. it belongs to the lager lout, and forms an important place in the ritual of these fascinating creatures. the climax of any lager louts adventure in galway is surely a visit to the fast food outlet, supermacs at the top of the square. the proposal seeks to grasp on this oportunity to view put on show the truly mesmorising behaviors of this species at the height of its drunkeness.
a plinth of gloss white viynl leads, like a catwalk from outside supermacs and completely covers the existing footprint of eyers square, culminating in a solitary toilet raised above street level, who’s function is to subvert the notion “that somethings shouldnt be done in public”. this subversion is intended to further liberate the lager lout into attempting even more outrageous acts of antisocialism.
the following morning when the lager lout awakes with a blinding hangover sprawled on the desolate plinth, which is stained with vomit and faeces, his emotions will be heightened by the brilliant reflection from the morning sun shining on the vinyl surface. as he struggles to stumble accross the plinth sheilding his eyes, this will provide the perfect conditions for observing this stage of the lager louts oscillating states of being.
the stark remider of the night before can then be cleaned in redience for the next instalmnet.
EL ARCHITINO has a more aesthetic architectonic solution to this problem, one which will not have any negative side effects on the bridge in question; sterilise the poor.
EL ARCHTITINO feels that, this approch can be taken in order to increase the beauty of many urban environments and will undoubtedly result in better world for architectural expression.
this conceptual project will be entered in next years sterling prize along with results from field testing.
EL ARCHITINO does not make jokes and is never ironic, however if he respects anything it is arrogance.
as mies van der rohe once said:
“EL ARCHITINO is in the details”although EL ARCHITINO has little respect for the wandering thinkings of Mr. van der rohe, he does feel that coincidentaly he was vaugely right in this case.
EL ARCHITINO’s concept for the pier project deals with connection and separation at every concievable level: the seperation of the locals from their memories of how life was before the new pier, the connection of the new pier with the metaphysical presence of every one of the millions of new visitors who will flock to the site, a paradigmatic expose of the multiplicity latently stored in every place…and so on.
EL ARCHITINO wishes that these themes be realised on every level from the effect on the entire lifespan of a human being to the constructional contradictions.
EL ARCHITINO wishes that no rock in his pier should touch another, under any circumstances. EL ARCHITINO feels this will subvert the very notion of this primitve form of construction, people will turn on loadbearing construction and tear down every building they see using this building method. this will lead the way clear for EL ARCHITNO’s inevitable world domination.
so miesiy mouse’s words will indeed ring true
EL ARCHITINO is disgusted at the lack of contextual knowledge displayed by mr libeskind. he obviosly has no ability to decipher the genius loci of a site.
EL ARCHITINO laughs heartily at the proposition of a boat shaped building to placed on the pier. even the vaugely concious rif-raf who populate dun laoghrie would scoff at such a formally pedestrian solution for the site.
EL ARCHITINO has studied the history of dun laoghrie for years, lived in the area for 16 months, befriended locals and immersed himself in the culture of the seaside area. EL ARCHITINO has even buried himself under rocks close to the site for 3 weeks in order to know what it feels like to be the site. these are the minimum measures which must be taken in order have a knowledge of the context, and meaning in a certain place. without this dedication what will be created is merely a farcical, additive entity worthy only of being defecated upon by junkies.
EL ARCHITINO’s proposal goes beyond the facile, beyond the aparent, beyond the fashionable. it is of its place and transcends time. when built, it will be indivisible from the area in any way. without it, the fabric of the whole area would fall into incoherencey.EL ARCHITINO proposes to build a structure of exactly the same dimensions and exactly the same material as the original pier. (the stone would be created through a process of genetic cloning of each individual stone in the origional pier) this structure would be placed on top of the carlisle pier to form a cohesive whole.
instead of the commercial shops and resturaunts proposed by the despicable libeskind, EL ARCHITINO proposes a ticket booth which will sell permission to view the new pier from afar.the insights of this darcy charecter are indeed adept, yet not as sharp as those of the rap magazine xxl. no sooner had EL ARCHITINO suggested in one of his interviews with reuters that he will be releasing a rap album, than this magazine had EL ARCHITINO hailed as the “next big thing” in rap music and emblazened on the cover.
of course EL ARCHITINO shall be the next big thing. yet this is just a small step on EL ARCHITINO’s path to world domination.word.
EL ARCHITINO is happy that this “peaceful protest” has had an impact and that the quality of life of those in charge of the DDDA may be significantly lowered for some time.
however if we are to really make our feelings known to the DDDA we must proceed with a campaign of unimaginable violence on a scale not experienced since WW2.
EL ARCHITINO once spent the night in a jail cell also, what was his crime i hear you ask?
“intent to mass bugger”
EL ARCHITINO was dumbfounded by these allegations and protested that he was merely teaching all those guys a lesson that they would never forget. nevertheless the filthy police had the brazen faced cheek to throw a demi-god of EL ARCHITINO’s prowess into a stinking cell full of degenerants and itinerants. they stripped him of his gold suit and left him naked apart from his channel white suede 3-piece suit and his crocodile shoes.
but EL ARCHITINO was wise to this game. he had seen prison movies before and wasnt going to be anyones “bitch”. so EL ARCHITINO buggered them all senseless, and got some nasty desieses in the process.so the moral of the storey is, always carry small automatic weapons and/or high explosives on your person in case you see a policeman/woman.
EL ARCHITINO will send his formidable legal team to the high court this evening to demand the disbandment of the gardai with immediate effect, on your behalf pepe.
if EL ARCHITINO’s demands are not met he will be forced to accept an out of court settlement of 1.6 trillion euro.
EL ARCHITINO wishes to crush any rumours that he is in fact ben elton before they enter the sordid realm of the tabloid press.
if people would look harder at the image they would realise that it is EL ARCHITINO attempting to blend in with the crowd
greetings from EL ARCHTITINO,
EL ARCHITINO would like to inform you that awards do indeed pay. EL ARCHITINO’s storey is one of rags to riches.
as a young boy EL ARCHITINO lived in a meagre residence on sorrento terrace. after winning a scholarship to study at the sorbonne in paris EL ARCHITINO used the money to bribe a jury for the stirling prize.
upon winning this prestigeous accolade EL ARCHITINO was given even more money. with this he purchased a solid gold suit which he used to create an enigmatic presence at society events within architectural circles. also, he immediately had all those who chose to disagree with his architectural ideas, “dissapear”.
EL ARCHITINO’s designs were no longer criticised as people feared for their lives. EL ARCHITINO won every competition he entered and became fabulously wealthy with offices and residences accross the world.so in conclusion: awards do pay if you are shreud about how you use the proceeds as displayed by EL ARCHITINO below
